Saturday, December 5, 2009

The joys of 30 and the future

Pounds that is. I haven't yet hit that age, although I got my notice in the mail that it is time to renew my license so I can feel it breathing down my neck :)

When I was at my starting weight, I never thought I felt that bad. I knew I didn't have much energy but that wasn't that big of a deal because I've always been basically lazy. Even at 150 lbs, I didn't have much motivation to get off my backside and actually do anything. I knew I had trouble getting up and down but I chalked that up more to being not 12 anymore instead of being overweight. Then I joined WW and lost 30 pounds. Now, at school, I'm able to crouch and tie shoes. I can bend over and pick things up. I have more energy but still not motivation to do anything. Last night TB ended up in the Parade of Lights (apparently, my dad commented that the guy driving the old Willard Fire Jeep had a fire suit on. The asked if they wanted a ride and off they went!) After I stood and watched the end of the parade, I walked to the end of the parade route and saw the front of the parade coming down the street. I decided to walk down the street and catch them and just walk back with them. I caught up with them at West Side Park and walked back to the Orpheum, via Main St. Once they got past the reviewing stand, the rest of the parade really picked up the pace. They were done and the people were done and so they took off to get out of the cold. I ended up jogging (despite not being dressed for it in slip on shoes and jeans) from the News-Gazette office to the municipal lot behind the Orpheum to keep up. The driving asked me if I wanted a ride and I was able to tell him that I was doing fine. And I really was. They got off the float and we hoofed it around front to get inside and I was a little winded but not dying. By the time I got my coat off, I was breathing totally fine. Afterward, we went to 1 Main for the tree lighting and TB and I didn't want to mess with 12 layers of clothes just to get there so we raced from the Orpheum down there and again, I was ok. This is practically a miracle since the last time I worked out was when I was walking TB to school each day in September. Being able to do that kind of thing and being ok makes me want to want to exercise. I still don't actually want to but I fell like I should want to. Strange conundrums.

I left WW in August when I felt like the result wasn't worth the cost anymore. My plan was to go it alone and I haven't been terribly successful at it. I've maintained my weight, which is good but I haven't lost much of anything either. Randomly, I'll get blips in my weigh ins that drop me below 180 but by the next day, I'm back over. I'm not really doing much of anything so I can't really complain much (well, I can, because I can always complain, but I shouldn't). I set a goal to have lost another 30 by the end of the year. I am desperately off track for that, needing to lose something like 10 pounds a week to achieve it. I changed my goal time to my birthday, which brought it down to just over a pound a week. The thing is, I'm not sure if I care enough to do it. I didn't realize I felt bad until I had something to compare it too. Would I feel better another 30 lighter? Probably but I feel good now so how much better? I set myself a goal because I felt like I should set a goal but I'm just not sure if I'm going to do it. I'm at the point that without much thought or deprivation, I can comfortably maintain my weight. While I would like to be 30 pounds lighter, I'm not sure that is maintainable goal. Quigs said to me once that to maintain her weight loss, she would have to track food and go to meetings for the rest of her life and I thought "if the choice is meetings and tracking forever or being fat, I think I'll take being fat". I didn't enjoy WW. The meetings were something I felt like I had to do to lose the weight. Karen was riot but even that wasn't enough to make me feel like it was something I WANTED to do. I took no joy in finding lower point sub for favorite foods. I either didn't eat the food or ate a bit less and I did ok with that until I didn't. It seems like my friends who have been successful in their weight loss find joy and happiness in the process of the weight loss. It might not be easy but they don't find it quite the drudgery that I did. They are ok with the lifetime aspect of it, where I never was. My plan was for it to simply be a short term solution. I don't intent to gain the weight back but I'm not sure I can commit to losing further. Maybe in the spring, when I can start grilling food again (I joined in April and lost all my weight during the summer) and find veggies easily. Or maybe not. I was over 200 pounds for 7 years before some switch flipped in my head that made me decide that I was ready to lose weight. I'd like to not take that long this time around but I know me and really, this might be it for my weight loss.


Quigs78 said...

No one can tell you what the 'right' weight or size is for you. Any given number or clothes size is different on every person. It's all about what makes you happy and what you feel comfortable and healthy with.

I don't mind tracking. And I like the meetings. :P

Catch Her in the Wry said...

Just maintain your health, no matter what the number on the scale says. If you're eating fairly healthy and your medical stats are OK, who cares what your weight is? Congrats on maintaining that 30 pound loss!

Looseyfur said...

I swear that I do not enjoy it. Any of it. I just resigned myself that that's my future. I think of it like someone who has to watch their blood sugar numbers... It's just the way it is for me. And the realization that holiday baking and I have broken up because I was so sad when I compiled something I thought would taste fabulous -- and then bit into it and went -- satisfactory -- but not worth the calories.

It was at that moment that I realized I had changed a bit... until I felt hungry and reached for the next one. It took me two tries to stop the mindlessness, but at least when I reached -- I reached Quigs Fiber One cookies instead of my fully loaded brownies. So small steps... but Quigs is right. It's entirely up to you. And maintaining a loss for 4 months is pretty awesome.