Earlier this weekend, my cousin was killed in a car wreck. From what I know, he was alone in the car and it was single vehicle. I know that he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Of course, my information is coming 5th hand so I don't have any details about what happened, specifically. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be terribly surprised if alcohol was involved. He recently joined Facebook and all of his posts were about how much his life sucked and how nothing ever went right and how whiskey was his only friend, etc. His birthday would have been Tuesday and he would have been 29. I would not be surprised if he was either out celebrating his birthday early or drowning his sorrows.
He is 9 months younger than me and when we were kids, he was my closest cousin. There were 3 of us on that side of the family that were about the same age and I never really got along with the other one so it was he and I. We spent a lot of time with that side of the family growing up so i saw him several times a year, although not so much recently. He caught the garter at my wedding and the next summer married a different girl. Not surprisingly, they were going through a divorce, which is part of his depression. His dad also died about 3 years ago just before Christmas, so he was really having a bad time of it. I simply can't imagine what his mom is going through right now. Losing her husband days before Christmas 3 years ago and now her son. A parent's worst nightmare.
He has two kids who are the same age as my kids. We've not spent nearly as much time with them since we have been adults, but our kids do see each other at weddings and other family parties.
The males in my family are genetically cursed and they rarely live to see 60, however, this is something different. This is the first person MY AGE that I have lost. The others, while sad and certainly before their time, didn't bother me as much. And so far I'm not as sad as I think I should be about this. Maybe because we didn't see each other very often, it is sort of unreal to me that this happened. Occasionally, it will hit me and I'll think about it and I'll be sad, but then it kind of goes away. Mostly I'm sad for his boys. He was really into them and a pretty good dad for everything that was going on in his life. I just feel like I SHOULD be more sad about it.
The thing I'm really struggling with right now is that I DON'T want to go to the funeral. I actually probably won't go to the funeral because it is during the day and I don't feel comfortable taking time off work for it since I'm still really new there. I just know that it will make it real. I don't want to see his mom and his boys doing the receiving line by the coffin. I feel really guilty about this because I've gone to all the other visitations in my family. I feel like this one is one that I should be going to since he was my age and I did know him well. I'm sure I will go but mostly out of guilt that I don't want to :(
RIP Kevin, I will be thinking of your family and I hope that you are happier where you are now
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No one can tell you how to deal with your feelings and your grief. If you want to go, then you should go. If you don't, you don't have to justify it to anyone. You can say goodbye to your cousin in your own way.
I am thinking good thoughts for your family, though.
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